crewslut

11:10 am - An overdue update on life

The year is almost over. So many things are changing...everything will be different in a few weeks. Why, you ask? Well, I'm moving to Virginia the first week of January. Actually, I'll be in South Carolina until March or April, but then it's back to Middleburg, VA for the rest of the year. I'm going to be a working student for a serious eventing competitor/horse trainer. It's basically indentured servitude with a $100/week stipend. Trust me, this is not a lot...it's food and gas money. I'll have to work my ass off elsewhere to pay for everything else (Re: horse show fees, vet, farrier, tack, clothes, coffee, ect). I don't know anyone in VA or SC except my trainer and his girlfriend. They're both amazingly nice and cool, and I have a lot in common with them besides horses. She's Jewish, and he got his BA in English...so already I feel comfortable working with them for six months, perhaps a year, perhaps longer. Only time will tell.

I'm also buying a new horse next week!! (if the pre-purchase exam goes well). Dave and I are over..he's not the person he was last year. He has changed and not for the better. Maybe I just don't the tolerance I once did but he is not someone I want to date right now. The sad thing is though I still love him and when I think about the past three years and how all of that will coming crashing down into a smoldering heap of ashes...it makes me sad. More than sad. It's tragic. We have shared so much, been through so much together, and he can't even decide if he wants to date me. I just don't get it...is he really that confused? I don't know and I don't care anymore. I gave him plenty of chances for him to show me how he cares, but he showed me nothing...I have this feeling that as soon as I leave he will start dating a long time ex...someone he has told me repeatedly he still loves and really cares for...someone I think he has been wanting to date for a long time, perhaps as long as a year. Sigh. If he had given me one reason to stay, one reason to try and work it out, I would have...sometimes I'm so happy with him and that feeling alone is enough for me to have hope in us. But that feeling is so rare now. I hardly feel it anymore. I guess that's a pretty strong clue that things are over, they will never be the same again, and we are growing apart. I hope that I will remain friends with him even as I start down a path that strays away from him. My god though....my first love...a mother's death...A trip to Europe...infidelity...three years...part of me is tempted to say that it was all for nothing, but I know that's not true. It feels that way though..especially when he acts so coldly. Now I really understand how people become jaded.

Ah well...c'est la vie. I'm not the first person to go through this and I won't be the last. It just hurts. A lot. So much I can't think about it. Right now I don't want the memories...I just wish the past had never happened and that there is only tomorrow.

On the upside, I had a beautiful dream about Cillian Murphy. Ok, it wasn't that great, he was trying to kill me (in a supermarket of all places!) and Judi Dench was in on it too. I don't think it gets any more random than that. But oh my god...he's so hot, even in my dreams. And he did kiss me..*melts*. He's so beautiful. I can't wait until Red Eye comes out on DVD. I think I can die happy now. :)

Also, the best lyrics in any rap song:
"Girls call me Jolly Ranger
'Cause I stay so hard
You can suck it for a long time
Oh my god!"

Hmm...reminds me of someone... ;)

Happy holidays to everyone!!! I miss all of you!!

Current Mood: okay

08:43 am - Not too bad, eh?

You scored as James Bond, Agent 007. James Bond is MI6's best agent, a suave, sophisticated super spy with charm, cunning, and a license's to kill. He doesn't care about rules or regulations and somewhat amoral. He does care about saving humanity though, as well as the beautiful women who fill his world. Bond has expensive tastes, a wide knowledge of many subjects, and his usually armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner. </td> James Bond, Agent 007 71% Captain Jack Sparrow 71% Lara Croft 67% El Zorro 63% Batman, the Dark Knight 58% Indiana Jones 58% Neo, the "One" 46% Maximus 46% William Wallace 38% The Amazing Spider-Man 33% The Terminator 29% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

04:35 pm - I could never be in those Capital One commercials

Damn my inability to say no!!!!! It's only a two letter word, why is it so hard to say??? I blame my parents because they never said no to me (hence my beautiful blossoming into a JAP :P )

Current Mood: AAARRRGGGG

10:54 am - Joining the other team

I hate men. I don't understand them, especially those who act like women (emotionally). They cause way too many headaches and are a financial drain. They're fun to hang out with and can be very pretty to watch, but if I wanted a loyal companion I would have gotten a dog or another horse. They are at least worth my blood, sweat, and tears.

Current Mood: irritated

03:28 pm - Random Poll

Here's a random survey for all of you who spend way too much time on LJ (like me). If you could choose your top three MOVIE characters to sleep with, who would they be? They can be characters from any hollywood film, independent film, or foreign film but they must be from a movie. No literary characters allowed...that's for antoher random survey :P

Here are my top choices:
1) Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth (Have you seen that bulge????)
2) Achilles from Troy (oh my god that body.....*drool*)
3) Jack Sparrow from Pirates from the Caribbean (if he not's gay...if he is gay, then my alternate is Jack Ripner from Red Eye. C'mon guys...you saw that one coming).


Who would your three be???

Current Mood: Playful

03:24 pm - I think I found my calling

I was a naughty girl this weekend...

Current Mood: mischievous

10:08 am - Seriously one track subconscious

It's going to be difficult to focus on Yom Kippur tomorrow when my mind is locked onto one track of thought. If I have to tell you what that is, then you obviously don't know me as well as you thought you did. Last night's dream (and last night coincidentally - I really don't know how I pulled it off, I'll write about it later-) proves my point. And also shows very clearly that I need to stop watching Law & Order SVU. I think this is the third dream I've had in which SVU characters have appeared in it. Sad, really.

Anyways I had this dream that I was working at Starbucks, except they had this public dormitory thing for new employees, so I was really more like living at Starbucks. Dr. Huang http://www.nbc.com/Law_&_Order:_Special_Victims_Unit/bios/B.D._Wong.shtml, the FBI psychiatrist, was interviewing everyone and telling them what their neurosis were just by looking at them. Some guy had mental issues that stemmed from his leg. When Dr. Huang came to talk to me, he said that I suffered from weight/food issues and that I constantly worried about my appearance (this, surprisingly, is not all wrong...) He was like, "Do you remember that time when you came into Starbucks in your Bikini?" And I was like "Yeah, I was with Anne. We were both wearing Bikinis." He replied, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since then.." At this point I'm getting a little freaked out because we're lying together on a public bed, lying really close, and he's supposed to be helping me but instead he's coming onto me!! At one point I said that this was really unprofessional (at this point he was running his hands over me) and then I woke up bfore anything else could happen. All of this is really weird too because in Law and Order SVU, this guy is gay!!!

Current Mood: amused

02:30 pm - Amazing weekend in Boston (Beware: Long post)

Boston rocked last weekend. I really don't remember the last time I had so much fun. It was great to be back in the city I consider my second home. Chilling with my friends, dancing at bars, and returning to Brandeis never before felt so good. The adventure (and it really was one, in all meanings of the word) began Thursday night. Svet and her new FOB boyfriend picked me up from Logan at around 11pm. We stood around for about 15 minutes waiting for my bag and I started to freak out that it might have gotten lost in Mermansk. But then they announced that some bags had arrived early and I was never more happy to see my little black suitcase than right then. After driving to Svet's place in Davis Square and dropping off my bag, we went out to this new club/bar called Orleans that sounded really promising. Well, we got there and it was dead but we decided to stay anyways because it was late and we just wanted to chat anyways. I flirted with the doorman a little (what? he was really cute) and made fun of him because he had never seen a Kentucky license. Once inside, we ordered some drinks from a really funny Irish guy who told me I looked like someone he knew. He was like, "You remind me of my wife....who died 10 years ago." We couldn't decide if he was being weird or faceious so we went to one of the couches. It was great, just sitting there talking and drinking and listenting to the music. Unfortunately, the night ended too early and they kicked us out. However, the Maker's and Coke was enough to make me a ltitle drunk and playful and I drunk-dialed one of my friends. He was asleep and I felt really bad for waking him, but I really had no idea he wouldn't be up and causing trouble ( like me :P ). So, as sad as it may be, I was forced to go to bed alone, drunk, and looking forward to friday and saturday.

Friday I woke up early, showered and dressed, and made my way to Brandeis. Before heading up to campus, I hung out with one of my friends for a couple hours. We chatted, got caught up on old times, and just basically chilled out. He was nice enough to give me a ride up to Brandeis where I walked around, looking for people I might know. It was really odd, being there as a recent alumni and seeing all of these undergrads. I couldn't go anywhere without reliving at least ten distinct memories; it was like walking through a cloud of nostalgia. I felt really out of place and kind of sad. I mean, it was great being back there but I had had such good years at Brandeis, especially my senior year, that returning only clarified the fact that I cannot come back. That's really disheartening if you think about it. But nonetheless, it was good to visit my alma mata. Good times. :)

At around 3 Anne picked me up from Shapiro and we hung out for the rest of the day until the evening when she, svet, and I went to this cool Indian restaurant in Davis Squara. The food was amazing, the drinks strong, and the company excellent. It felt so good to be back with my girls. We always have an amazing time whenever we hang out and I've really missed them. Later on in the night we went to this place called Kells in Brighton. It was a whole lot of fun (aside from the guy at the door not knowing how to read a Kentucky license. Sigh. This living in the south thing has got to come to an end soon...it's just too much trouble). Svet's boyfriend was really drunk and wouldn't stop dancing with me. It was pretty funny because he has a Latin ass and I was no match for his ability to dance. :P. It was kinda sketchty downstairs but upstairs it was hopping. The main room was packed so tightly you barely had room to breath. I loved it. Danced with this hot black dude who could really move. Oh my god, the music was good. Perfect stuff to dance too. Somehow, I don't see myself calming down and getting a stable, reliable job anytime soon. This partying and dancing things is just too much fun. :P.
Anyways, we headed home around 1:30. Had to walk to the car in the driving rain. I was so soaked. Every stitch of clothing I had on me was saturated. This is not overly good for suade boots but there was really nothing I could do, so I tried my best to avoid the really big puddles. The drive home would have been ok except we got rear ended by a Boston Cab who drove off right after it happened. Rachel's car wasn't badly damaged but we had no information on the guy. Anne went with her down to the station to make a report and dropped me off at her place. I was pretty tired by that time so after peeling out of my wet clothes, I passed out on her couch for a blessed 6 hours.

Saturday was the best. Svet picked me up at Anne's appartment and together we went to the New England Aquarium. Talked to Emma on the phone while we waited in line. Oh my god, I can't wait to see her in two weeks!!! I miss that girl so much. She is so crazy, I love hanging out with her. We talked about the best way to eat a hot pocket. Best conversation ever. Afterwards, still waiting in line, Svet begins cooing over the babies and toddlers in front of us and I start cooing over the sea lions in the tank outside. We agreed that I would buy her a baby if she bought me a sea lion. We thought Hannukah would be a good time to exchange gifts. Inside the acquariuam, we looked at jelly fish and electric eels and piranahs and blowfish (my favorite ;) ). We saw the 3D presentation of walking on the moon, narrated by Tom Hanks. It was so cool. I'd forgotten how bizarre 3D imagery is. I think I'd like to try it stoned, although that might freak me out. But the show was a really appropriate segue into the evening because I was supposed to hang out with Doug, my former astronomy TA. Svet dropped me off at his place sometime around 6 and we spent the rest of the night having a really good time. Since I was feeling particularly playful, I thought it might be fun to wrestle. I used to do this all the time with my girl and guy friends, but it's been forever since last time. Note to self: Do not wrestle a martial artist. This will end very, very badly. Submission holds are not particularly pleasant (well, they sometimes can be, but that's another story :P). Our fun was rudely interrupted, though, when his roof started leaking. His Greek landlord came by to tell us that there was really nothing he could do and it would have to wait until later in the week. He could, however, drill a hole in a the ceiling so that all the water would drain from one place. Wow, talk about problem solving. So we took that moment to grab some beers and do some shots of Jack.

As everyone one knows, alcohol mixes with me way too well. I hadn't had that much to eat earlier in the day so I was drunk after three shots. In my drunken wisdom, I thought it would be a good idea to tease his married, bulgarian housemate about having a threesome with me and Doug. Of course, Doug got into it and the poor guy didn't know what was going on. I was like, "Come on, I'll give a real American experience." I half considered giving him a lap dance (oh, the stories behind those...) but thought that might be a little much. Afterall, it's just rude to get a guy excited and then walk away. I'm not -that- mean...to most guys, at least. It was really fun, though, watching his reactions. I got a total kick out of that. The rest of the night continued on a more or less similar theme, although it got quite a bit crazier. (If you want details, ask nicely).

Sunday was really laid back. Chilled out with Svetlana for a couple hours and had a nice relaxing evening. Monday morning came way too soon and in my rush I left my phone in Boston. Serious blond moment. Not that it's really that bad anyways, I'll be back in town in two weeks during the Halloween weekend and I am SO excited for that. It's going to be so much fun. Emma is going to be in town and I can't wait to see her. I'm not sure if it's possible, but that weekend might prove to be more wild than this past one...I can only hope so. ;)

Current Mood: happy

04:24 pm - Short, sweet and to the pain...err, point...

Sometimes I wish I participated in a sport that didn't involve 2,000lb animals. Dealing with one, I think I strained something at the show this past weekend. The left side of my back is killing me...I think I need some backrub lovin'. Any takers? Even some feel-good thoughts would help. Or Lorcet. Drugs are good too. Lots and lots of lorcet.....

Current Mood: sore

07:56 am - Problem solved

So yeah that interesting situation I was in...it's not a situation anymore. Things have worked themselves out (in my favor, I think). You could say I'm single now and more than ready to start stirring up some trouble.... :)

Current Mood: amused

01:38 pm - Returning to my second home

I have plane tickets to Boston!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So happy!! :). I can't wait to see everyone! It's going to be a blast. All I want to do is chill with my friends, get crazy ass drunk, and party like there's no tomorrow. :P A bit starved for fun? You could say that. Oh my god, it's going to be so great. I really miss Brandeis and my friends up there, and I need a break from Louisville and the grind. Less than two weeks away!! I so so so SO can't wait.

Current Mood: bouncy

04:25 pm - Party Withdrawal

One thing I really miss about Brandeis...all the parties my friends throw!!! I love getting drunk with friends amidst loud music and good conversation. Those of who have been to one of my parties (or Rocky parties) know exactly what I mean...and why I like to party so much. ;). Anyways, I plan on crashing one or throwing one sometime in october when my girls and I get together for a quasi-reunion. All of those partying it up at 'Deis, I'm so jealous!!! But fear not, I'll be joining all of you very soon!! I'm way overdue to get out and be wild and have some serious fun (and maybe seduce a poor soul or two....that's always a good time :P).


peace

Current Mood: naughty

03:38 pm - The weekend and other stuff

Sometimes I wonder if I have a brain. This weekend was one of those times. After saturday, I was in sixth place out of 25 riders. Sunday should have been perfect, a guarantee. Cross country is my horse's element. Well, apparently it isn't mine. We jumped the wrong fence on course (it was bigger than I was supposed to jump- guess I thought I would move up a level mid-course) and ended up getting my horse and I eliminated. Arrrrgggg. So irritating and I have no one else to blame but myself....for my inability to steer. Grr....oh well, I'm not going to cry over a silly 10 dollar ribbon when it wasn't for first place. Sigh. Better luck next time, I guess. (and better steering!!)

On a different note, my birthday is tomorrow. Yay!! I'll be 22 although I'm not sure how much difference that will make, considering that everyone thinks I look like I'm 18 or 19. I suppose I'll be grateful for this perception from others when I'm older and WANT to look older but right now it's just another incentive for me not to walk out the door without wearing at least mascara. Im not sure what I'm going to do to celebrate. I work tomorrow, which sucks, and my dad and pseudo BF will be out of town this weekend, which sucks some more, and I have very few girl friends here in Louisville, which sucks the most. Sigh. I'm considering make a last minute decision to fly up to Boston for the weekend. Airfare isn't that bad although I need to check it out with some friends to see if I could crash at their place for a couple of days. It would be great to see Deis again and everyone. Just the idea gets me excited and happy. :) So yeah that's definitely a possibility. I'll know more by tomorrow...I can't wait too long to buy tickets.

That's the update on the homefront. Nothing too exciting. Until later, this is your favorite southern belle signing off. :P

Current Mood: okay

09:58 pm - YES!!!!

I'm so excited!!! I'm riding in my first horse show in two years!!!! I ride saturday and sunday, and I can't wait!!!! WISH ME LUCK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!



I'll keep you guys updated through the weekend. Who knows, maybe I'll come home with a blue ribbon? ;)

Current Mood: excited

02:59 pm - I could go either way, depending on my mood

Current Mood: tired

03:14 pm - Update

I am SOOO excited about visiting 'deis in october!!!! My girls and I getting together for a little drunken reunion (I don't envision us being very sober during the weekend, what with most us being alcoholics :P). I really miss my school. It feels so weird not to be gearing up for another semester in Boston. I mean, for the past four years, that's been my thing, what I do at the end of august. And now...not this time. Not anymore. Sigh. It's a little depressing...but I'll be ok. I've got horse shows and my 22nd birthday to look forward to. :) And pretty weather. It's so beautiful outside.


I miss everyone at Deis!!!!! (and those who used to be there). I'll see all of you soon!!!

Current Mood: happy

06:00 pm - Over active imagination

I am seriously developing an obsession. This is not good.

Sigh. And it's not even on someone I've met or talked to. Sad.

Ah well, it keeps my mind occupied. Who ever said fantasizing was bad???

Current Mood: hyper

12:54 pm - Give it to me baby

I really need to stop watching movies that touch on the obsessive side of my personality. I can't stop thinking about Cillian Murphy in Red Eye, which, in turn, throws my hormones into super-high gear. Translation: I can't remember the last time I wanted sex this badly. And I'm not talking about a quick little maybe-this-will-satisfy-you thirty minute session; I'm talking about hours and hours and hours of play, all night all day. The kind where you wake up the next day and don't want to move because you're so sore but it all feels SO good. Masturbation can't even come close (no pun intended :P ) to the kind of satisfaction I'm craving.


The weekend can't come soon enough....

Current Mood: horny

10:36 pm - And you thought you had issues...

Guys, I need some feedback. Opinions, anything. I strongly realized something tonight, and it disturbed me. Tonight I watched Wes Craven's new film, Red Eye (which is actually not that bad--but I'm biased, I like Cillian Murphy, he was Crane in Batman Begins). Anyways, he plays the bad guy in this film, opposite an actress named Rachel something. There's this one scene half way through the film in which they're both in an airline bathroom (NOT applying for membership in the Mile High Club) and he's basically bullying her into making this phone call that will end the life of the ambassador of Homeland Security. He's very rough with her, stands very close, and speaks in a chillingly soft, neutral voice. This is, without a doubt, a violent scene (restrains her against the wall, holds her arms at her sides, wraps his hand around her throat, you get the idea...). So I'm watching this and I realize....I'm getting turned on. Violence in the way I described, used more as a threat, as an instrument of terror rather than of inflicting lasting pain, violence that established dominance and signifies power and control - this kind of violence used in association with sex excites me. Is this bad? Is there something wrong with me? I've always been attracted to the "bad guy" in films, to the "bad boy" in school...those guys who are tall and strong, whose physical appearance exudes confidence but also hints at unpredicitability and danger, those who play rough...that's my type of guy. I have a domination fantasy but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't go a little too far. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't get turned on when watching men cut/beat/rape/critically hurt women. Or anyone for that matter. But I find it titallating to view men dominating women, establishing control. I don't know why and it kinda bothers me. I'm attracted to danger and power. I'm attracted to those who enjoying wielding control. This scene I just described, to me it was one of my favorite scenes in the entire film. (It doen't help that Cillian Murphy does a great job of playing the antagonist, and that I find him attractive in an odd sort of way). Nonetheless, my fascination with sex and violence concerns me. Any ideas?

Current Mood: contemplative

04:23 pm - Where's my back brace?

I ride horses crookedly so I went to see an orthopedic doctor today. I thought maybe he could tell me if it was because of my spinal structure or my muscular structure. As it turns out, I'm a mess. I have upper and lower curvature of my spine, although less than 10 degrees so it's unlikely that I will develop scoloiosis by age 35. My neck doesn't curve as it should; it is concave instead of convex. This could lead to arthiritis in later years. Also my pelvis is tilted to the right and my left leg is 3/4 of an inch longer than my right. No wonder I don't ride Bena straight. I've been going to a chiropractor for a little bit over a week now and he has said some of the same stuff, although I'm more inclined to believe someone who went to medical school than someone who believes that back adjustments can cure cancer. Opinions on chiropractors? Anyways, I'm not quite sure what to do, except continue with my strengthening exercises and incorporate lots of shoulder and back stretching into my daily routine. I might stay with my back adjustments; they don't seem to be hurting anything. But no more neck adjustments. Being in a halo for 2 months was more than enough of an adjustment for me, thank you very much. My C6 and C7 vertebre don't need any more manipulations than they have already had.


So that's my new goal. To ride straighter, with my right shoulder back, and with uneven stirrups to compensate for the difference of length in my legs. No wonder someone one commented that I walk with a limp. Did any of you notice this, by the way, or was this person just overly acute?

Current Mood: optimistic